Sometimes the pain is too intense, and piercing. Triggered by an image, a song, an incident. Nothing is soothing at that moment. You simply don’t know what to do. Who to call or what to turn to. For you know nobody can calm you down; can fill the void; ease the acute, savage pain. You want to scream. You want to hit something. You want to bang your head to the walls. You want to, yes, hurt yourself. You want to do something stupid. Just to end the suffering. End it all.

You cannot; you have made promises to people; you know there are some, maybe a handful, who would rejoice seeing you perishing; you have things to do “first”. But above all, he wouldn’t want you to do it. If his mother and grandmother, and countless others are right, he came to this world for a reason. A purpose. And now it is up to you to fullfill that purpose. Spread his legacy. Tell the story of his strength, his happiness against all odds, his hope.

His eyes. His eyes… How can you, how would you live without seeing those eyes every day? Not being able to even entertain the possibility that you would see them again one day? Not in still pictures. Full of life. Smiling. Crying. Pondering. Curious. Obsessed. Demanding. Loving. Lovable. Lovely.

“Wordlessly watching. He waits by the window. And wonders. At the empty place inside. Heartlessly helping himself to her bad dreams. He worries. Did he hear a good-bye? Or even even hello? They are one person. They are two alone. They are three together. They are four each other.”




One thought on “

  1. Es muy extraño como ocurre todo, como el mundo se mueve y nos pone en lugares que no sabemos si debemos estar. Supe que existías porque enseñaba un curso de historia y hablaba sobre nacionalismo, apareció tu nombre y empecé a usar tus ideas para que los
    alumnos revisaran en clase. Después te busqué por curiosidad y supe lo que pasaba.
    Me mantuve al tanto leyéndote y mantuve a tu familia en mis pensamientos y oraciones.
    Hoy leí esto y se me rompió el corazón, no puedo dejar de llorar y no hay nada que pueda hacer o decir para darle sentido a esto. Puedo decirte que alguien en Mèxico al otro lado del mundo, llora contigo y sabe que el mundo perdió un pedacito, y que ya no volverá a ser el mismo.
    Mis condolencias, mil abrazos y mucho amor.

    It is very strange how everything happens, how the world moves and puts us in places that we do not know if we should be. I knew you existed because I taught a history course and talked about nationalism, your name appeared and I started using your ideas so that students will revise in class. Then I looked for you out of curiosity and I knew what was happening.
    I kept myself informed by reading and kept your family in my thoughts and prayers.
    Today I read this and it broke my heart, I can not stop crying and there is nothing I can do or say to make sense of this. I can tell you that someone in Mexico on the other side of the world, cries with you and knows that the world lost a piece, and that it will not be the same again.
    My condolences, a thousand hugs and a lot of love.


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